So, it’s been 10 days now since we had the fantastic news that not only is Seth in remission but that he also doesn’t require any more Chemo (something that that has always been up in the air since his first MRI).
It really is fantastic news. So why do I feel so flat? I get why I felt flat once the initial elation wore off. We had both being preparing for the worst and had tried to build ourselves up to be strong enough to cope – so much so that we were just exhausted afterwards. Not quite the celebration we might have expected or hoped. Moving forwards just feels surreal.
Today we have the date for Seth’s central line to be removed. Yet more good news. It will be removed well in advance of going on holiday. Which really is brilliant news. Yet still I’m not feeling this is over. I’m still not feeling relief. Perhaps when it is actually out I might feel that?
I’m not so sure.
Tonight whilst watching the eldest swim, I’ve been mulling this over. It’s bothered me. I’ve come to the conclusion that the feelings I am hoping for won’t come. At least not from results, not from a line being removed. The reality is that this won’t ever really be over. In 5 years time, if still clear, Seth will be a ‘survivor’ but the tests will continue.
I think I understand now.
I’m looking in the wrong place. I need to look at Seth. I need to look at the 7 year old boy who is getting his life back. I need to look at his love of life. I need to appreciate him. I need to take joy in the fact that he has got through this and coped with more than any 7 year old should have to.
If he can do this, if he can live his life to the fullest like he always has, if he’s ok, if he’s happy, if he is well. Then what else can I ask for?
Seth is the celebration. Seth is the Happy that I’ve been looking for.